Saturday, 29 December 2012

So I have changed my mind

 I was going to start ABC but it hasn't been working fast enough, so from today I'm fasting. I don't know how long for. It should only be for a few days but i'm hoping it will just get me started. But I'm not going to do it for long as I have exams coming up soon so I don't want to be faint for that. So three days maximum I think.
 Not much has been going on the last few days I've been shopping twice. Once with my friend and her sister and once with my mum. With my friend it was a really good day we went to a big shopping centre and she has an eating disorder so I didn't really have to worry about food then. However I felt so embarrassed because she is tiny and I looked so huge compared to her and I just wished I was as thin as her. One day I will get there. I have a look way to go though.
 Yesterday I went with my mum and it was good but we have a lot of difference in what is nice and what isn't. We also needed to sort a new phone out for me as my contract has ran out. So I am now an owner of an Iphone 5 and it is a lot better than my blackberry. So I'm happy about that.
 I'm not doing anything today either I don't think. Just going to do some exercise and then I have work later. So that's just another boring day.
 I'll let you know if something exciting happens.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

ABC Diet

So tomorrow I've decided to try the ABC diet, I'm hoping that I can make it through the 50 days. So thats my goal starting tomorrow to make it through that diet. I don't know how much I weigh, and I probably don't want to but I will weigh in tomorrow morning for my start weight. Well let you know how it's all going.

Sales shopping

So tomorrow, me and my friend are going sales shopping. I'm excited because I love shopping, but she is tiny and so thin and she is going to be getting such smaller sizes than me. So hopefully it will be a good day just hoping it goes well and that there is plenty of good items in the sales.
 Today is so boring, I haven't really done anything and I don't plan on doing anything all day as there isn't much to do. I usually go to see family on boxing day but I'm not this year. So if anyone has any good ideas of things to do then please tell me haha.
 I have exams when I go back to school in January and I still haven't started revising yet so maybe thats a good thing to start doing today but I'm not feeling it, too much effort and I'm still tired from yesterday. But that will be something I need to start at the weekend.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

The worst and best parts for christmas

Lets start with positive seen as it's christmas and we show all be happy. So good things:

  • Presents, everyone loves getting presents 
  • Seeing family, I love seeing some of my family some not so much
  • Having a laugh, once the parents have had a few drinks its always funny to watch them
So now not the so good bits, I mean most people would still love christmas for some of theses reasons but I don't:

  • The food, I mean most people love christmas dinner but I just can't enjoy it thinking about all the calories. And there is all the chocolate and stuff like that
  • Arguments sometimes at home we have arguments even on christmas which I hate but started to get used too
One other thing is that I really wish it would snow, I love the snow. And I got lots of presents and I'm happy with all of them. Got lots of makeup and clothes. As well I got a phone. So what did everyone else get? And I wish you all a merry christmas. And I hope you all have a really good day :)

Monday, 24 December 2012


So today it's christmas eve, and i'm still work, but my mum is also wanting to go out for lunch which i am not looking forward too. I'm excited for christmas just not all the food that comes with it. We are going to my uncles for christmas this years. So he'll have tonnes of food prepared for us all. But anyway it should be fun.
 I hope everyone has a good christmas.

Friday, 21 December 2012

going out!

So i'm starting to get ready to go out, and this is what I look like for all of you that don't know

I know i'm crap at this

So sorry everyone, i've been so busy, working and school. And to be honest not much has been going in my life. It's just the same thing every day. But anyway these are the few things that are happening:
 Today at school it was the last day so we got to dress up, i dressed up like santa, and i decided to wear heeled boots to try look taller and to make me legs look thinner. This kind of worked but they still looked huge. However I fell over twice which was embarrassing especially in front of everyone in from school. Now not looking forward to go back in January. I just hope everyone that saw forgets.
 Also at school we were all giving presents to each other, and now I have so much chocolate which is not good because now i'm just going to eat it all. And I don't want to gain any weight. I know I won't lose for a while as it's christmas which unfortunately means lots of food but I'm trying to gain at least. So I'll let you know how that goes.
 It was also meant to be the end of the world today so well done to everyone who survived that. Haha, i'm glad that didn't happen.
 It's also a friends birthday tonight, so we're going out for a meal, just going to try go for something which I think has the least calories. But hopefully it'll be a good night. We are just saying over and having a girly night afterwards.
 But that's about it, not much is really going on in my life. I don't know if i will be on again before christmas. So I hope everyone has a good christmas and gets everything they want.

Friday, 14 December 2012

University application and parties

So my university application went off today finally!! Now just can't wait until I go next year, so bored of 6th form and being at home. I'm just looking forward to being independent.
 So anyway now i'm just excited for christmas and all i seem to be doing now is going to parties on a weekend now. I have one tonight and one next weekend. I love going to parties but i'm worried about my body and how i look. I just wish I had a better body. But I can't do anything about it now. I just have to enjoy.
 So today at school anyway in psychology we were talking about different mental disorders and everyone was shocked about how much I knew about eating disorders and depression so I wish I'd just kept quiet now. Even my teacher was shocked. So it got quite awkward and people were asking how I knew all of it. And all I said was that 'I just did'. There wasn't really much else I could say.
 I've also started dieting with my friend. She just wants to tone up really but i'm desperate to lose all this weight. Does anyone have any ideas of the best diets that help you lose fast, I really need the help. I'm sick of looking like this, don't want to be fat anymore.

Sunday, 9 December 2012


So this weekend has been super busy. Yesterday I was working all day and barely had time to do anything else. Then today I have been shopping and have spent a lot more than what I was hoping to spend so I hope all my friends will be happy. Now I just want to curl up in bed and sleep, I am so incredibly tired it's untrue. I have also found out that I am going to my uncles for christmas meaning that there is no way of me getting out of eating all lots of food so now I am worrying. I also have an 18th birthday party on friday and I don't really want to go as I don't want people to see my figure in a dress as I'm huge and I'm disgusted with myself. So I haven't decided if I'm going to go or not get. So we'll see what I decide. I just can't wait for christmas to be over so everything will quieten down again.

Thursday, 6 December 2012


Sorry i haven't been on in the last few days. I've been ill so haven't been on, but feeling better now :) Not looking forward to going back to school tomorrow and having a load of work to catch up on. Also had the dentist today and now have to have some work done to my teeth so not looking forward to that either. So life isn't so great at the moment. Just can't wait for it to be the holidays so I don't have to be at school.

Sunday, 2 December 2012


This isn't really about me but it shocked me how much young children think about their appearance and how insecure they are. So anyway once a year me, my aunt and my cousin have a day of doing christmas things. That day was today. So we were there and about to have lunch and she wouldn't eat the crisps because she didn't want to get fat. And I said she wasn't and she just grabbed her stomach. She was also getting upset about boys and she started crying. And I was just in shock because she is only 7 and she's acting like this. It's scary how young children think and what society has done to not only teens but younger children too.

Thursday, 29 November 2012


So recently I have been so busy. All I seem to be doing is work and school, and it's starting to really stress me out. I never seem to be at home and I'm snacking all the time so I'm pretty sure I've gained loads back and I'm worried that I've gained. I really need to lose some more. So here is the plan:

21 day fast, probably a liquid fast to try keep me going ( this is starting december)
Then after I'm going to eat a bit of fruit and vegetables and a bit of protein
Then after christmas I'm starting ABC

So that is the plan for quite a while, and I'm hoping that I will lose quite a bit doing this. I really want to be skinny for my birthday (april 1st) So I have quite a while to lose all this weight. I'm hoping to lose about 50lbs. It's going to be a lot of hard work but I'm willing to do it.

So anyway , about today. Well today is my parents evening and I'm worried about what they are going to say as I've not been doing very well I've been more focusing on food. So I don't know what they'll say. So wish me luck haha. I have loads of coursework to do and I haven't finished my university applications. So I'm really hoping. Also afterward I have gymnastics afterward and I'm going to do my judging qualification so I can judge in competitions so I'm really excited about that. So I'm really busy at the moment and I'm trying to update as much as I can.

I'm really thankful to anyone that looks at my blog it means a lot. I'm shocked that any of you actually want to read about me haha.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Goal weight number 1 is done!!

So I woke up this morning, and decided to weigh myself thinking that I wouldn't have lost anything. But I was 174.8! So happy. This means that I have met my first goal weight and certainly on my way to becoming thin. Now for 170!

Friday, 23 November 2012


So happy, finally starting to lose this weight so so so happy. And my detox is going well I haven't cheated I have stuck completely. It's helpful that I'm always at work.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012


So things are going well with the detox, starting to feel a bit tired though, Also it's hard to keep it a secret from my mum as I don't want her finding out as she will stop me doing it. It's a lot easier now though because I work a lot so I'm barely ever at home anyway.

Friday, 16 November 2012


So on monday I'm starting a detox of water, lemon and honey. I'm having three glasses a day and then just plain water. I shall be doing this for 2 week and I'm hoping that it will kick start my weight loss again. Just hoping that I can manage 2 weeks with no binging as at the moment I just can't stop. So I want to lose 10 pounds on this. Once I'm finished I will just eat fruit and vegetables for a while and see how that goes. I just don't want to be fat for christmas.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Hard week

So this week has been quite hard so far, school have been rushing us for our university application so it means i'm stressing out about how well i've done and to make sure everything is okay. Even though i'm still not positive I want to go. I mean it seems to be fun and everyone says it's a great experience. Also I have my dance presentation tonight, and I'm dreading it. I am going to look fat next to all the other girls and I don't want them to see me like this. I just want to be skinny and look cute in the outfits. As well I'm sorry I haven't made a post in a while but I have been working a lot recently, I want to work I need the money but I barely ever see friends anymore which is good because they can't make me eat but they keep complaining that I don't come out so I don't know what to do.

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Thank you

Thank you everyone thats commented, means a lot to me. I appreciate that you all care I am trying to keep myself busy so i don't cut. I work most nights or go to dance so it's quite easy. Nothing much has really happened since last time. Just trying to get through life day by day.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012


So happy!! Finally after binging for ages i'm out of the 180's just need to carry this on now.

Thursday, 1 November 2012

180.6 :/

I GAINED!! I feel so helpless, and i'm desperate to lose this weight, I really need to stop binging but I can't stop binging. I restrict fine during the day and then it gets to the evening and it's just binge binge binge. But now I really am going to be strict with myself. I want this weight of asap. Need to decide what i'm going to do to get it off.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012


So I think I should tell you some things about myself. I'm Hannah and I'm 17. My parents aren't together and my father moved away and started a new family when I was 8. I now barely see him and when I do it feels like he's rubbing his 'perfect family' in my face. He doesn't need me, I wasn't good enough to be part of his family. I separate. He doesn't care about me and I hate having to watch him be happy without me. I wasn't a good enough reason for him to stay. He didn't want me. I'm not good enough for his attention He just left me.Since my dad left I have scratched myself. My mum knows about it but she doesn't think it was a big deal I used to do it in front of her and she just told me too stop. Then when I got to about 10 I started to diet and try eat healthily and I'd always mess up and eat more again. When I started secondary school I seemed like a confident happy girl and most of the time I was but then I'd have times when I had low self esteem and self worth. In year 7 (age12) we went on a school trip too the zoo. And everything was fine until we went to the Elephant part and I said that I loved Elephants and she said 'because you look like one'. That crushed me and ever since then I have thought I was fat and ugly. The night that that happened was the first night I started hitting myself. I would beat myself up until I had bruises on my arms and my legs or even my stomach. I would bang my head against the wall or put boiling water over my body or burn myself. Things carried on like that for a while until my mum started saying things about how I looked and how I was. Telling me I was fat and dumb and all the imperfections on my face. One day she did this in front of her friends. And as soon as we got home I went up to my room and cut myself for the first time. It was painful but it was punishment. Punishment for all my imperfections. And why my parents didn't and don't want me. My mum now asks why I have low self esteem and doesn't realise that what she says and how my dad leaving affected me. I started crying myself to sleep most night and cutting. 4 years on no one knows I cut still. I've kept it secret. My mum still says things, my dad now fosters kids and is there for them but is never there for me. I feel like a worthless person that no one wants and there is no point me being here...


So yesterday was a bad day. It started off okay. Skipped breakfast had half a pitta for lunch, salad for dinner. But then I didn't have salad for dinner i ended up having a sausage sandwich and a muffin. I then felt bad for having that so I ended up having a brownie too. I had work though so I thought it'd be okay and i'd burn it off. But then in my break I had some chocolate and then I ended up having 3 doughnuts. So now I don't dare weigh myself because I don't want to know how much I have gained. So today I need to really restrict because I really need to lose what I have just put on as I don't want to gain weight I really need to lose this weight and as fast as possible. So hope today will go well.

Monday, 29 October 2012


This is one of my favourite websites to try find out how much i'm likely to lose.
So this is mine

DayWeightCalories UsedYour Calorie Deficit

The website to find out yours is

Hey everyone

So I decided to start making a blog to document my life and my journey though my weightloss. So anyway I weighed in this morning at 179.2lbs. I have a long way to go and I wanted to make this to make me more motivated to continue with my weightloss.